Uncle Tommy and the "Good Old Days" and funerals

I found out that my Uncle Tommy died yesterday morning. He was my godfather, we played basketball when I was a kid, and he had down syndrome. I wasn't surprised to hear this. In fact the last time I saw him at Christmas I knew immediately when I saw him that it would be the last time I would ever see him. I was glad he got to see my sons and I think he knew who I was and I think he knew who they were too.
After we left at Christmas time I heard that he sort of melted down and got very angry. He had Alzheimer's and other health problems. Apparently people with down syndrome have a shorter life expectancy. I didn't understand all that as a child. Actually probably I guess I still don't understand all of that it's just that if someone tells me it is so I take it at face value instead of wondering why why why the way my kids would.
Anyway to hear that was pretty sad. I could see why he would be upset. When his parents were alive he lived with them, and his brothers and sisters would visit often, with their children (me being one of them) and also his mother's sisters would visit often (like Aunt Anne and Aunt Dotsy) and basically from what I could see as a child life was good, surrounded  by a large family. I looked at that house as a Castle from a Golden Age as well and I remember having to come home to Boston where family just meant me and my mom and crying and crying violently.

Uncle Tommy lived in a home with other guys with Down Syndrome and they did a lot of activities and stuff but I guess that's kind of like being in a perpetual dorm at boarding school. Some people like that, but others (like me) well... didn't. But then that's part of growing up. At some point you have to move out of your home and out of childhood. Not everyone's childhood is "the good old days." Some people have horrible childhoods. But the idea of childhood is a magical time where fantasy can be reality and you are protected. Again not everyone is but that is the idea.

Well for Aunt Anne's funeral (which I did not go to) I guess there was a moment of that old family feeling. I only know vaguely what happened because my Aunt Kath told me what happened. That Uncle Francis came up from Florida, and that when he was leaving my Uncle Tommy didn't want to let go of his hand. Finally he did, and it was really hard and a few days later I guess he had a heart episode and he died.

It's pretty sad and depressing, but I wasn't surprised by any of the news at all, because well it's like Uncle Tommy and that era have been slowly dying for a long time.

When my mom was alive and healthy and we would visit Uncle the House, Uncle Tommy would often talk to himself for long periods of time, and not a lot of people understood what he was saying or who he was talking too.

"Are you talking to Mom and Dad?" my mother would ask. And he would say that yes he was. I remember that sort of depressing me back then.
"I talk to them too sometimes." My mother said. I guess I didn't believe her. I'm not a big talker (well before I wasn't) even to people who are alive, let alone people who have past. Now that most of my conversations are with my kids I can talk my friend's ears off and I have to stop myself. And I guess I can talk a lot about certain subjects. But social talking... just was not my forte.

When my mom died my Uncle Francis asked if I spoke to her. And he admitted he did, and that he also talked to his Dad. Not much to his mom.

It seems like for a long time we have all been looking back to the good old days. When family was more together. I guess it's the law of entropy except for with family. I guess the first deaths I remember from my mother;s side were my Grandfather's and then my Great grandmother's right after that. And since then even my grandmother would look back on good old days when she was young and I would loving hearing stories about them.

And of course within my own family I guess me and my mother looked back to the time when my Father was still alive. I can't actually remember who died first my father, or my maternal grandfather.


I guess what was so sad about Uncle Tommy's death was that he depended more on his brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, and uncles because he didn't have the opportunity to get married and have children of his own. I think having children of my own helped a lot with these nostalgic feelings because there was a chance to create my own family. Uncle Tommy did have a girlfriend, he had a job, but I guess it would not be realistic for him to get married and have children. I see people on various tv shows like Glee who have down syndrome and seem to be able to function more and live much longer.

I guess a lot of people don't have kids though and don't want kids. And after all, at some point my children will grow up and probably won't want to live near me. Uncle Tommy's death just seems to hammer that point harder home though and just seems even sadder for some reason, because it's the natural way. It's not sudden or unexpected. But at the same time it's not quite the same as Aunt Anne's or any great Matriarch or Patriarch where you can see and be surrounded by the family that you raised, and their families.


Even though we have modern medicine, it seems like it would almost be less depressing to die in a cave surrounded by your clan and tribe, earlier even, and being warmed by your cave fire, but again surrounded by your clan, your people. But even back then of course plenty of people died alone, and maybe with everyone close together in a cave disease would spread and the whole clan would be wiped out.

And then maybe it is better to say goodbye while you still can. And since dying is like leaving anyway, you might as well do it alone.

It's hard to say.

Natural death is sad even though it is life and it is  how it is supposed to be and there is no escaping it.