A strange relationship

I have recently called
in the night
desperate.

Haunted by thoughts of anger
On a night of a full moon
unable to sleep.

Speaking out loud
I was more clearly able to hear
The absurdity of it all.

"You are Sifu

You are so Centered

You are one of the strongest people I know"

But all of that
Can dissipate without
Maintenance and discipline.

"Don't you meditate and do Kung Fu?"

And I realized that I hadn't really been doing that.

I had been teaching yes.

And now even less so.

I had been staring at Lion Heads and drums
Which served no immediate purpose.
Their last battle having been a week or so ago.

Do I require so much that a week or so can feel like ages?

Yes.

Travelling around the city I am about to leave
Looking for and having little adventures
As I did before I started Kung Fu

Loneliness begins to seep in.

Nothing is more Lonely than exchanging looks and smiles with strangers and knowing
that it can go no further than that.

Maybe as much as a chess game.

But a conversation?

To be all by oneself,
while in a crowd of people...

It is okay when you are on stage,
or teaching,
but just watching?
It becomes too much.

This was how I was before Kung Fu I realize.

And so I began the long crawl back to constant practice.

Meditation

Basics

Forms....

Not a cathartic mess where I could injure myself.

But a little bit at at a time.

Not for a class or for anyone else.

But for myself.

My writing  and studies too

and hopefully soon, all of my actions.

Not for my kids

Not to "teach" them

But just to do it.

Do it first and then see what comes from there.