Emotions

I have been feeling a lot if strong emotions recently. A lot of people who k ow me from my childhood either think I am extremely emotional, or extremely stoic. In the past, feelings were easy to express through various forms of art. Whether it was music, dance, kung fu, painting, or laughing and talking loudly and unreservedly with friends. I'm not sure if it is because I haven't been using some of these outlets, but all feelings seem to be boiling around in my mind and going toward only one direction. It's not that this wasn't true before. Even with all those outlets But making giant me I pun heads out of paper mage right now seems like somewhat of a bad idea. Why? The house is so full of stuff, that I do not want to fill it with more stuff. Sometimes I play piano, (I never really studied it) and I sing. But I realize that a good deal of the songs I like are sas and do not have a positive message. So I'd rather they not be my mantra. I write, because that can easily be stored online. No clutter. But I think I am longing for messy acrylic paint with other people to paint with, or belting it out in Gospel choir. Maybe even with all of this, the very strong feelings will not necessarily disappear, but at least there will be some release. It might also be that I don't have that adrenaline of teaching a Kung Fu class. I try meditating, which calms me down. But I have a hunger for something else. A hunger that makes me feel like I can do anything. The goal is to do the most positive thing I suppose.

Might have to write another novel.

I might have to write another novel.
Or a book of poems.

Something.


One would think that I an busy enough.

That I have enough to do between
Taking care of the kids,
And taking the paralegal course.


Yes I am busy.

 And yes I have been slacking when it comes to Kung Fu and studying.

But if I am not creating and moving
Towards something, the life seems pointless.

I simultaneously want to take a break
 From "everything" (though from what am I taking a break?)

And get wrapped up in
Something.

One could say I just need a job.

And beyond that, a purpose.

Chinese Checkers

Me and the kids have been playing Chinese checkers a lot recently. Mainly the cool thing about it is that it is a three person. game. To be honest I don't even know if we are playing it right. What is funny is that suddenly as Jonah was getting into the game he starts hum whispering to himself a song he made up.

"I have 6..

Baba has two...

He is So oooo stupid.."


So I started cracking up because Jonah totally did not realize that his little song was outside. The whole game fell apart because after that the kids couldn't even keep a straight face or focus on their moves.

I won.


We have been playing other games too. We found a book in the basement of 200 card games... including how to play French Tarot... the game that the fortune telling cards were originally made for.

I totally want to learn how to play Mah Jong because we have four people so why not.

In New Jersey... they actually play Mah Jong at the library.

"Do you have to know how to play already?"
I asked the librarian.

"Hmmmm I think so because there are a group of old ladies and they seem.... serious."


Well I know I will get yelled at... but probably they won't be playing for money at the library right?

Dream Mother

I saw my mother in a dream last night.

I was chasing around a cousin (A Chinese cousin who is not a blood cousin but has the same last name as me) and part of the dream was for some reason I was back in town for Dragon Boat... but there was no Dragon boat to be seen. I searched all night and ran into my cousin and my mother outside Castle Square, near the high rises.

I have seen my mother in dreams before but often I ignore her or she sends me on an errand. In the dream she was not well, but she was taller than me, which hasn't been true since I was 11 or so.

She shook my hand. Again she was weak, and in the process of moving some table with a friend. All of her friends were these young hot women who were then picked up by uglier men who were helpful to my mother in someway, through carpentry.

My mother had her own life going and was happy to see me, but her realm was somewhere in her own apartment.

"I like to be out and about... that's why I haven't been down there yet."

And down there... I take that to be where I am, New Jersey.

It's true, I have yet to see a rabbit here. Plenty of deer... but no rabbits. And not only am I superstitious, but I realize that I am Pagan to the core, if I can believe through a dream that my mother's spirit is something that is in a physical place. And that place is Boston, in the Castle Square projects to be exact... or at least the representations of these places that exist in my mind.


When I say Pagan, I do not mean either that I am not a Christian, or a the same mix of all the other stuff I belief in including atheism.

The atheist account for this dream is that it is all my mind processing events so spirits places and pictures are simply my mind's representation of them.

But in truth, these things have come to be more real to me than my actual surroundings as I adjust to living a life that before, I had only seen on television and movies... especially ones about the 80's.

When you are actually living the American Dream, the one that is presented to you on television....and you had since rejected that idea as illusion, I suppose it becomes difficult to adjust when that illsuion becomes a physical reality.


In any case... I will compensate by doing Kung Fu and making my kids do it against their will. The way I see it, it is better than screen time all day.

Bow to Amah

I guess when I was not here the kids has camp....but now that I am here, they have just been staying at home. I tried to sort of just sit back and let them be because after all, they have spent more than a month without me and have done just fine. But yeste rdsy I just got sick of the tv watching and said "4pm we're doing Kung Fu!"

I realize that in writing that can sound like U am an energetic camp counselor that us great with children. To picture my tone, imagine some f words thrown in there. That's right. More than one.


4 turned into 5 and we went to the deck to do basics. I took off my shirt.


" The neighbors will think we are crazy", complained Amah... until as we began to end a round of basics with the breathing exercise...she saw an opportunity. She has seen us enough times to know that the kids would now bow to their Sifu.. ie me.


"Bow to Amah." She said. And he'll it's her house and yes I knew that she would get into the Kung Fu spirit as long as she got to be a Sifu or perhaps some sort of sorceress on the dark side of the force.

"Bow to  Amah" I said. The children laughed and did as they were told.

See I bet me and Amah could open a school together, once she realizes she could have followers.....

New Jersey

After attending a family reunion in Connecticut, I have finally arrived in New Jersey for real. The family reunion wa la nice. It was interesting to compare it with say a Chinatown Family association, And The banquets that are those reunions.

We took a picture and I put my arm around A man, which Grace thought was funny and awkward. I said I wanted to put it as my profile picture.

Today I followed Amah around learning variois household chores. I think she is stressed out about leaving her routine.

Today I want to do some "work" ie blog posts, some script writing, studying for my paralegal course....


But I also have some things going through my mind that really can only be dealt with through fiction and poetry. It will have to go in Deer Dancer...

Of course today is the day of the eclipse as well, and I should make a contraption with the kids to allow them to see it without going blind.

I am beginning to miss aspects of Boston, that are not part of my past... they are actually new connections I just made.

I was wrong about the march

When I first heard of a counter protest.. a "fight supremacy" I thought that such a thing would only draw more attention and give more if a platform to that hate group. But then I saw some of my friends who I feel connected to not only through ideals, but also yi hei, were going. And I felt that even if it was a bad idea I had to go....

But then there was the added problem of logistics. I was leaving for Connecticut the same day and showing the house to be renters. In the end, I could not go.

Seeing all the pictures on. Twitter of my friends from various groups and seeing that mostly it became a celebration of diversity, showed me I had been wrong. Granted I did not agree with all chants and there was some urine throwing, but this was as small as that hate group.

What happened, is that a despicable ideology made us realize how much we care about each other.


Let me put it this way.

I hear that my grandfather was pretty racist.


But he also fought at the battle of the bulge and was there for the liberation of some of the camps. He gave some food to a starving man, and then saw him die after eating it too fast. That memory does not go away.

He also had a black friend.... but my mother said she had told him when it came down to a black friend choosing between his people and you, he would have to choose his people and that you can't blame him for that. (This was not the 60's this was BEFORE the 60's)

All I'm saying that when kids today just start pointing fingers and saying, "racist" especially the white kids... it's more complicated than that.

My grandfather would spout racist comments and then slowly, as one son married a Jewish woman, and then his daughter married  a Chinese man, and the family started to even look different, well what can you do but go with it?


Boston has a lot of problems with race.

No doubt.

But most people will realize that they love the people of different races. Becasue they in one way or another part of their family. Whether through blood, sports, work, or economy... despite whatever political or cultural difference they may have with someone of another color...  they love each other more than they can tolerate racism.

 Conscious or subconscious bias and prejudice, they will be able to set that aside when it comes down to it. Especially when the alternative is siding with Nazi ideaology.

Now I will say I saw one drawback to the March. DSNI held a multi cultural festival on the same day that had little turn out. In truth, it would have been possible to have both and it would have been nice for Dudley Square to get some of that economic support from the 40k in the march.

But hopefully the general take away is that we will do better in the future.

I had been sad that the day that I left my home city was going to be a day of a demo that was going to be like Charlottesville, a tragedy. But instead u saw a Boston of all colors (on Twitter, on the train) filled with friends of many stripes whi came together to show love.

Boston's Castle

I had always wondered what this castle was for as a child. It is right outside Chinatown near Castle Square... the housing projects where I grew up. On Wikipedia it says it was originally an armory and when it was built, much if the neighborhoods in Boston were not yet filled in with land. Much or Chinatown is in fact land fill which is why you see empty lots on Hudson street where in a prime real estate location. It's not that co dos can't be built there. But it takes money and modern technology of course.

So what is the Castle for. Well this goes to the beginnings of divisions by neighborhoods and immigrant ethnic group. (of course the first culture clash was contact between Europeans and people from here....)

The Castle was built to defend the Yankees in an event of an Irish Immigrant uprising (or so the story goes)

There were enough guns to hold them off (in theory) until troops arrived.

And of course much later the Irish would come to run the city, and now we are in a transition period between the old style of politics by ethnic group, and activism and diversity which changes things (somewhat) and whatever will happen next.

Will we become the integrated melting pot we claim to be and which we are shifting towards? ( or seemed to be)

What will the future of Boston look like and how will we interpret historical sites like this, and the Quincy school or the Chinatown gate?

Which neighborhoods will remain and which will seem unrecognizable?

More on how Chinatown's history fits in to the bug picture later....

Americans are a new and mixed people, not a White People

I have been hearing a lot (or what feels like a lot) of the white supremacist rhetoric from interviews with Vice, Eddie Huang, and Univision.


The argument that White Supremacists have, both the super angry ones and the seemingly more reasonable ones, is that White created the nation and did not do this to hand it over to "others."

Of course the local population would have something to say about that.

But that point can be debated. In the end a colony was started that was under European control.

However, learning more about Cape Verdean history one realized that it was a mixed people, a multi ethnic people that actually helped to found the "New World" and the founders were mixed and multi ethnic before even arriving on the shores of the Americas.

From first contact there on these shores there was of course brutality and pillaging, but there was also mixing.

In fact seeing the "threat: of the mixing of the races is backwards. The lower classes were getting along fine which frightened those in power and there was an active and intended SEPARATION of the races in order to divide and keep people under control.

Look at how organized and angry the white supremacists are. Now in the 60's a lot of these Appalachian patriotic groups were working WITH the black panthers. In a democracy, all you really have to do to take the country over when you are organized like that is vote.


But if you can froth up division and anger and keep communication down so that both sides can never talk to each other or find common ground ever, then you prevent the two sides from possibly even becoming ONE group within a couple of generations.

"Normal" racism can't even be touched now or "liberal" racism because now everything is seen through the lens of neo-nazis.

"White Fragility" is not even going to be talked about and not so racists whites who might take pride in statues are not going to go be racist activists... but they are less likely to help Black lives matter now too.

At the end of a CNN conversation I remember one of the white commentators chiming in, "and its time for white people to help too."

So that you will have scenes like you see on the Vice program where you see two crowds of angry white people chanting at each other "White Lives matter!" and then 'Black Lives Matter!"

Everything that Malcom X ever talked about and complained about when it comes to Civil Rights and the status quo is all coming to light. He was relevant then and relevant now which is why the media shut him down and why people are really so afraid of him and his teachings. His teaching after is Haij were even scarier to people and that got him killed.

Malcom X was able to inspire white people to support him who nowadays would be considered racists. People that would honk at him when stopped at a traffic light and say, "If I was one of you guys I would be fighting too. Keep fighting!" and shout encouragement. That type of off the cuff working class white male today would be shot down in the media as a racist and either lumped in with a Neo Nazi or forced to simply quietly hold his tongue and not support any coming together of the races.

And probably because of that he will stay within his community date within his race and not mix and not associate with people outside of his race when it isn't absolutely necessary and everyone stays divided, docile, if organized against each other only, and know type of progress will come about.


Anyone politically savvy and getting in front of denouncing Nazis and heated rhetoric in areas of the country where most of the population supports this will STAY in power and we will be distracted from what is actually happening to certain neighborhoods. We will be distracted from the history being taught in the schools. We will be distracted from police culture that encourages racism and division. We will be distracted from making our lives better as a ONE group of mixed people. A New and American people. Which is what we, in truth, were at the founding of this country.

What the world needs now....is love sweet love

I just watched Viceland's movie on Charlottesville.
And seeing it like that and hearing people talk about it.. and how much effort went into that event... that's actually the scary part.

These guys really are Nazis.

And they really are organized.


And they are also against big corporations and "the man" because they think the man is not white.


I think we really need to get together and mix like in Cape Verde and the Carioca way in Rio de Janeiro.

 Let's have more fusion and love and celebrating of one another.

In the video too I have to say it but the anti supremacy protesters really did not help the situation.

And sometimes I must say the government CAN refuse to allow certain types of protest and assembly. I mean why be allowed to assemble IN the town.

Let them hold their rally somewhere out in the middle of nowhere.

I mean, it's kind of hard to get a permit to do a lot of different events.

Boston regularly stopped Hip Hop events in the city.

Make their event be indoors or something at a private venue that they have to rent out.

At the same time, if they are not allowed to do their demonstration at all, will they just turn to bombing?

When did they get so strong?

I just did a Wikipedia search of the KKK looking for a period of American history when the Klan was almost completely gone (between the 20's and 60's I think.)

What I found instead that there have been three "Klans" and I think, based on the names of the people who were outed in this protest, that a good number of people marching with the Klan, would have been considered enemies of the Klan in the past.

It is interesting that the leader points to Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, and others who were killed as a point in time that ignited his racist activism. It's bizarre. And I know people that probably agree with this guy on certain points.... but the jump from that to racist activism and investing so much time to fight... the system?

The system that they believe to be against whites?


It should also be noted that there is another jump between marching... and I don't know military conflict within our own country. And that is something that we really don't want.

These groups have always been around of course.

But before they seemed irrelevant.

I mean... technically is Comic Con or something like that way bigger in numbers than this hate group?

And, is this type of demonstration REALLY protected under the First Amendment? I mean isn't it inciting violence? And again, if it is possible to stop events like UFC or a Hip Hop event, or to block a Casino from being built or a strip joint.... isn't possible to find a more appropriate place for this type of demonstration and have the place be rented out for an exorbitant amount of money?


Are you allowed to do a pro ISIS march?

Something needs to be done about it. And I think a message of love and mixing of cultures is the answer. Promoting the benefits of a culture that takes the good of all....

White Supremacists do not know who they are

I have seen a lot of stuff on Social Media about Charlottesville, about protests for and against White Supremacists, about Trumps failure to condemn them, and then later belatedly condemning them, about pictures of Supremacists who had jobs and then lost them because of those pictures going viral, of the heroes who saved their loved one lives by pushing them out of the way when the car ran over people in the crowd... notably, the hero and fiance were a mixed race couple... and many of the White Supremacists last names seemed to be Eastern European, perhaps Polish, a country from whom some of my ancestors came from, and whose people were on the list of people Hitler wanted to exterminate.


At the same time that was happening I was at a Cape Verdean Festival, a group of people that has been a mixed group of many races for 500 years or so.

I have been writing an article about the History of Cape Verdeans and also have a book in front of me called "The "Other" Americans" by Marcel Gomes Balla, whom I interviewed for the Cape Verde News Network.


At the end of the interview, Marcelino talked about some of the Cape Verdean on Cape Veredean crime in the communities in Dorchester and Brockton, and how cousins are killing each other... probably because they don't even know who they are, their history, and how valuable their ancestors contributions were to the society we live in.


African Americans also preach something similar and much is said about how "Black people should do this" or "that" or whatever it is to get ahead.


I have to say that I was so confused why the White Supremacists were Nazis. Or how pro Confederate people would be Nazi, or why exactly you would become a confederate (because I seriously doubt that all of these people were descendants of Confederates especially with Polish last names) what exactly they were protesting.. and also I was confused that the anti protesters and people watching, seeing all this extremely violent type of chest beating, would be surprised by a violent action.



I would say that these White Supremacists do not know who they are either.

First of all, Confederates and Nazis are LITERALLY losers. They lost. And they both lost a long time ago. Nor was what they were fighting for good for any of the people marching with tiki torches.


You can be PRO WHITE without being ANTI BLACK. Or I guess the main group they were chanting against were Jewish people, who are white, whiter than the Asians friends marching , which makes things even more confusing (I mean would Dave Chapelle's skit work where you could have a blind White Supremacist who was actually black? Would they accept that?)


I'm just saying of ALL the propaganda that white Americans have going for them, pretty much every Hollywood movie from the past and most of them from now, why would you decide to tie yourself to groups that lost?


If you want to know what the descendant of a Confederate looks like, look at my face. Because as I heard it, part of our family was from the South, owned slaves, and fought for the Confederacy in the Civil War. (though I found a letter that might suggest otherwise.. so somewhat confusing, but I did here this from an Uncle who had passed and that in my mother's family history book, it mentions that part of the family was Union and the other part Confederate.)


When the South lost however, this ancestor recognized almost immediately the losing side, and moved to Philadelphia.

(I would also point out that the bad guy in Schindler's list has a grandaughter who discovered her past and wrote a book about having a famous Nazi ancestor... oh yeah, she's black. Or mixed at any rate. )

Now we are not the most successful of people in our family. We have high earners as well as low income people. But it's not like we're all doctors, lawyers, IT people, or the owners of Google or Facebook. So I'm not saying we have the right to say "this is how you are supposed to do it." like we are models for success.

I'm not sure of the socio-economics of the people marching with tiki torches, but they did not "look" poor and obviously some of them lost  a job for being there, which means they had a job at some point.

When I say they do not look poor, I say that many of them had some fat on them and looked healthy. They did not look like they hadn't eaten in days. They do not seem to be motivated by money. They were not paid to be there, they seem to have normal lives and jobs.

The protests seems to be some sort of bizarre hobby (I guess similar to my Lion Dancing and going to festivals that celebrate the greatness of a culture, whether it is Chinese, or Dominican, or Cape Verdean or Caribbean, Italian, or Wake Up the Earth) accept their hobby is about hate, seems to be mostly angry dudes, no hot women wearing feathers and little else, I don't think there was any music, no great food no games...

You really are not selling anyone on the "greatness" of your "culture" here.

And again, you picked two groups, Confederates and Nazis, that are total and utter losers. Also Robert E. Lee was personally against slavery, or so I have heard. He CONCEDED, so he knows he lost, why protest his statue being removed? To follow in his footsteps what you would really do is not join this groups which you are not really a part of, and move on by trying to make money.

I mean white people have a lot going for them. You have all this written history and films that are propaganda that you can watch to boost your confidence. With all the effort and organization it took to make that protest, imagine if you were doing something that made you some extra money?
And if you did do that, or held some sort of event that said, "White People are awesome, by this ticket and you can be like us!" and a ton of non whites bought tickets because they were Anglo files of some sort, are you telling me you would want those non whites  to "Go Home"? and not pay for your event/product?


In terms of being against mixing of races.... if you are limiting yourself to people with in your race, then you are limiting your chance of success in finding love/sex/whatever.

That goes for friendship and networking and selling stuff.

And so to the anti supremacist protesters I ask what are these people (the White Supremacists) motivated by? If you aim is to stop them, you should know your enemy.

I would look at what the what supremacists are doing as similar to some sort of pagan ritual. A blood lusting angry procession where in the past they would hang someone from a tree. That is no longer legal (or allowed by those enforcing the law who would simply turn a blind eye), so if you just ignore them, they will most likely create a straw man and burn that person in effigy.

Before the Civil War they burned Lincoln in effigy.

Nowadays I would assume the scapegoat to be Obama, even though he is no longer in office...so what are they mad about again? The Robert E. Lee Statue? and who do they blame for it? Not clear but maybe they would burn that person in effigy.

Then they will get bored because honestly their parade sucks.

Maybe they will try to loot houses, rape, pillage, start a pogrom, but most likely not because if that were the goal they would have lead with that.

(btw I am assuming that rioting is what Trump is referring to when he said "on both sides" ie riots that happened after the Rodney King trial and many riots more covered by news sites that indeed had real footage of rioting but these sites would be considered fake news. Don't start yelling at me just for bringing it up! There was indeed rioting that took place at the same time there was peaceful protest. Of course this rioting often happens within the same neighborhood where the African Americans live, and a target of these riots are often the minority group who own a store... ie, Koreans. That doesn't mean that this is a "both sides"  type of "war" That would be assuming some sort of rational and organized action on the part of the rioters.... wait I guess you could say they were sort of orchestrated. Anyway I don't agree with Trumps statement, but to those who were completely lost... I think that's what he is talking about.)

So back to a potential riot by White Supremacists following an angry protest that is more marching and shouting than burning and looting...

So the key is not to meet them there and make their event look more relevant and bigger (because who sees signs) and don't waste YOUR time in this non money making endeavor)

Go home, lock the door, ARM YOURSELVES, or perhaps congregate elsewhere and do positive things for your community. Be ready to defend yourselves (because seriously those people are a threat... but think strategically) and I know many would disagree with me... but I do feel that a protest against a thing, gives voice to that thing.


What should I personally do?


I have long talked about doing lectures or something that explains white culture in terms of ritual and all that to non whites. Because I feel that I understand white culture more than fully white people, because I can see it with insider outsider eyes. I can see the stuff that is awesome.. and the origins of some savagery.

The cool stuff, like Christmas Trees and various sports, have been adopted by the world or at least the country. And people complain about inventions that were made by black people and we never learn about those inventors. We should... but this proves a point that there is no shortage of white propaganda in the mainstream. So go with that. Don't suddenly tie yourself to white losers (Nazis and Confederates)

Or if you must be Confederate, do those Civil War reenactments... but don't be racist. In that if not whites want to go and watch and support your show, maybe even pay tickets let them.

I mean Kung Fu is a Chinese art with some origins that are violent... but you don't see people doing a Tai Ping Procession. Anything old that was from losers is kind of re adapted and also everyone is welcome to join in for the most part. I mean most of the people that keep the economic engine of Kung Fu and Lion Dance running in this country are non Asian. How can you survive if you are only trying to sell to a minority group. You want to sell to whoever will buy.

And since Kung Fu does not win against guns... the selling point becomes spirituality, health, self defense, that sort of thing.

So my thing is, what if I lectured these white people, motivational speaker style and taught them the benefits of interacting with other races. Would they pay for it? I'm saying maybe I can actually make the world a better place and make money at the same time.

And the thing to start with is showing them their history... the positive aspects too. Like speeches that tell them that White people are awesome (but that does not inherently mean that non whites aren't) how to organize better events, and turn their lives around. I mean despite some of these people having careers... there is obviously something wrong. The pictures of guys wearing American Veteran gear and doing a Nazi salute says it all.

I mean all these super white events exist in a way but they don't speak to them somehow.

And since I know people think I am crazy, it is obvious that nobody else is going to do something like this. But it could actually be the answer.

Was it done in the past?

Yes Huey Newton actually talked to people like this and had these type of organizations working WITH the black panthers...

White Supremacist leaders had reached out to Malcom X about touring and speaking together. (Malcom X declined for obvious reasons)

But being mixed, I am not about that separation. I say mix, mix mix, which still pisses a lot of people off of all colors. Many are simply not comfortable with it.


What would I name this?


 White Awesomeness
(and the hidden benefits of diversity.)


I don't know something like that.

Has anyone else made a reasonable and valid suggestion for a solution yet?

Because an Anti protest at the same time makes them look more valid.

I remember hearing about a big Nazi parade in the United States and they had chosen a specific town where most of the residents were holocaust survivors.

Basically the town just ignored them. And the Neo Nazis realized that their demonstration was not getting a rise out of anyone.

Now I guess they do this stuff, and they are getting a ton of media attention.

Basically, a lot of people are playing right into their hands.

Or I should say the hands of whoever their organizers are. Because I really don't see what the individuals get out of it.

Cycles of the sun

The drums can move your heart
Stirring passions if the soul
Blood filled feelings that pump
To the rhythm of the ground.

When I was young and bold
I felt this tidal pull
And didn't even know
From which direction it came.

The thirst the hunger for
Adventure, difference, belonging
And purpose.

The desire to run out into the night
Under full moon
Not fully human
More demon than animal

Howling and grunting
Like the beast.

The civilized way is to put on a mask
And dance around in daylight
Hiding in plain site.

That you are a good beast
A friendly beast
A cultural beast.

And not the underlying beast
The actual heart of darkness.
A darkness that is not evil.
For why should the absence of light be That?
But that frightening darkness if unknown.
The unknown that we call impossible.
Yet we know it is actually right there.

Out there.
Within reach but out of sight.
Calling to us like
Singing sirens on the shore.

Do they steer us to destruction or enlightenment?

Are those one in the same?

Can it be that only
Crashing on the rocks
Steering toward the sheer cliffsisbthe answer?

Or do we call upon our men to the us to the mast and plug our ears, and ignore us
Deaf to desperate and violent pleading
So that we may hear only what no men live to hear

But survive the wretched rocks.

The sun cycles.
The earth turns and moves around it.
We grow older and supposedly wiser
And yet not really.
The drum beckons.
Night comes
As we turn to the darkness of space
And our blood drives us mad
Pumping adrenaline, coaxing flight, fight and all manner of ardor
Out into the unknown.

The gift of lazy leisure

It seems I am always "easing back into
My kung fu.

But I would say what I like most about having done basics and then a form and the some freestyle followed by a little meinleu him Tai Chi, is that I feel like I'm done.

I mean u didn't really do much.
I could do more. But since I went so long without practicing everyday necessarily,
I have no desperate urge to do more.


In a way, practicing first thing in the morning gives me an excuse to be lazy, (and not to get sweaty later in the day.)

I used to ruin many dress clothes trying to fit in some training while my kids played in the playground.

But for now I'm good with the little bit that I did.

At least until this practice has become my normal standard for a month or so.

A strange relationship

I have recently called
in the night
desperate.

Haunted by thoughts of anger
On a night of a full moon
unable to sleep.

Speaking out loud
I was more clearly able to hear
The absurdity of it all.

"You are Sifu

You are so Centered

You are one of the strongest people I know"

But all of that
Can dissipate without
Maintenance and discipline.

"Don't you meditate and do Kung Fu?"

And I realized that I hadn't really been doing that.

I had been teaching yes.

And now even less so.

I had been staring at Lion Heads and drums
Which served no immediate purpose.
Their last battle having been a week or so ago.

Do I require so much that a week or so can feel like ages?

Yes.

Travelling around the city I am about to leave
Looking for and having little adventures
As I did before I started Kung Fu

Loneliness begins to seep in.

Nothing is more Lonely than exchanging looks and smiles with strangers and knowing
that it can go no further than that.

Maybe as much as a chess game.

But a conversation?

To be all by oneself,
while in a crowd of people...

It is okay when you are on stage,
or teaching,
but just watching?
It becomes too much.

This was how I was before Kung Fu I realize.

And so I began the long crawl back to constant practice.

Meditation

Basics

Forms....

Not a cathartic mess where I could injure myself.

But a little bit at at a time.

Not for a class or for anyone else.

But for myself.

My writing  and studies too

and hopefully soon, all of my actions.

Not for my kids

Not to "teach" them

But just to do it.

Do it first and then see what comes from there.

Ica

Sad shao

So apparently Noah is sad. At first we thought it might be bullying but Noah wouldn't talk about it. I realize that I am perhaps a strange parent because when I found out that Noah was not saying what happened my first reaction was to punish him and even interrogate him to find out what happened and plot revenge. But I cannot think of what upset him so much unless it is more than bulkyubg or... gambling. And talking to Grace she realuzed that he probably lost a good Pokemon card to a smaller child. Which is not the same as bullying. But it's the only thing I can think of that could give him nightmares and which he would not be forthcoming about.