Caretaker

I suppose people do grow up. Looking on Facebook I see a ton of people who are looking quite successful and have had such and such a job and must be making quite a bit of money.
In fact, I have come to think that growing up has less to do with how old you are and more to do with how much money you have or are making anyway.

I remember feeling restless as a teenager and wanting to go out and explore the world and have adventures. I suppose I was somewhat afraid of the unknown, but I was more excited by it. Now I am twice as old as that teenager. In my minds eye then, I would have been someone who worked in a big building and drove a nice car. Or maybe not. As I soon came to not want to be part of that. But somehow I would have experienced life more or had more understanding of it. I wouldn't necessarily have secrets. But I would have perhaps been on my way to be something.

I am feeling restless again. Occasionally I will get excited by some sense of direction. An idea that perhaps I could be a teacher after all, or do this job in the community after all. But then, what about Jonah? He is not in school yet. When did I become so tied down to invisible barriers? Theoretically I have a degree I have experience, I have more things than I had when I was 15. Why do I feel more inhibited by the world than I did when I was 15? Perhaps it is because for the time being I almost feel as if I am the age of my children. Which means I am only 5 and only 3. And anything I do can only be through the eyes of a three year old or a five year old. It is almost as if putting them down, dropping both of them off, would almost make me, as I am now, cease to exist. And there is fear and trepidation in that. If I am not their caretaker, then who am I?