A conversation with my Mother

Last night I dreamed I had a conversation with my mother. It was strange because it was meant to be nowadays and yet the conversation took place in the apartment where we had been living. I don't remember much about the conversation. I think we were talking about Wills and oh yes, she was going to be married to a man called Mr. Self. And the thing is she knew that in a week she was going to die and when they were getting married they were asking her and Mr. Self (who I think was also going to die soon) about Wills and whether it is a good idea that they should be getting married. All the people in the conversation came in and out of the upstairs part of that apartment, Her bedroom, the hallway and my bedroom. But the walls were only vaguely there. I explained what I had written in my will. That everything goes to Grace, then Jonah (because Noah is all set thanks to Gong Gong) and then Noah. And after that... well who cares after that?
Only in the dream I told my mother that the stuff went to her. That's weird and disturbingly Oedipal. I woke up thinking of what I was going to go and tell my mother before she died (as the week was almost up) and then it slowly occurred to me that she had already died. In fact she hadn't just died, but that she had died a long time ago. In the dream Noah and Jonah were also running around that old apartment.

Some people would have sorrow attached to such a realization. I didn't  because I used to have dreams like that all the time. Where my mother would suddenly be alive again, but sick and I would need to file paperwork to confirm that she was now back alive, as if such a thing happened often. Last night she may have been sick, but she was definitely at the stage where she could move around, laugh and speak freely.

Part of this dream is probably because my Great Aunt Anne is very sick. I spoke to her on the phone and she mentioned that she had just been talking about my mother. She was remarkably together and calm. My Aunt Dotsy was also remarkably together and calm and it occurred to me that she took care of two of her other sisters (one of whom was my Grandmother) while they were both dying of cancer. She also gave me a call right before I moved out of that old apartment after my mother had died. I remember she gave some good advice and we exchanged kind words, but that conversation was as dream like as the one I just had with my mother last night. She is so strong to always be the one taking care of everyone. I heard from my Uncle Francis that she also cared for his generation and of course she was is my godmother and took care of me as well. I suppose reconnecting with Aunt Anne and Aunt Dotsy was one of the reasons why I wanted my kids baptized all of a sudden. It hasn't happened yet but it will. And basically eventually I will be a srt of Catholic mainly because of my desire to continue the traditions of the Western side of my family...in a Chinese way at St. James. It's like by doing the stuff they did, we are closer together. Now today is Ash Wednesday and w aren't doing the ashes on the forehead today because, even though I'm moving back toward doing those rituals, well I'm not doing them yet and there are rules and stuff that I am not familiar with. It's Ash Wednesday, which frankly I'm not even completely certain about the significance of the ashes, other than that they represent some sort of sorrow relating to Jesus but he doesn't die until Good Friday right? And then there must be other meanings in that ritual as well. All I can remember is reading a passage where King David put ashes on his head and wept because of his son's death. And of course a few other passages about ashes poured on owns head in mourning.