Embarrassing car moments.

I do have a driver's license, but it is merely a piece of plastic because I do not and can not drive. I was reminded of this embarrassing fact recently when, someone visiting our house needed me to pull Grace's car up slightly so their giant Lexus Suburban was not hanging out partially on the sidewalk. I get in the car. Now which is the break and gas again? Yeah it's that bad. I switch  the stick thingy, thinking it is supposed to move forward on it's own when it is in the drive position... right?
"Is everything alright?" the visiting Taiwanese woman asks.
"Uhhh.. you know what I'll be honest I don't really drive." and this little moment eventually ends with me handing over the keys to this stranger so that we can move Grace's car up about three feet and park it again.
Now at some point I did actually take lessons and obviously passed a driver's test. When behind a wheel I either drive like a very old man.. or a character in grand theft auto.. there is simply no in between.
There was a tome of few months when Jing, my Si Hing, was in China, and I had use of his car (his permission) to run errands for Sifu. Let me tell you about the time when I went down the street to 88 Supermarket (walking distance) to pick up a case of Chinese rice wine to use in making teet da jao. The problem with being a pedestrian, is that you think you know where you are going in a car, not allowing for one way streets. I drive the way I usually walk and I'm like, "Hey nobody's even using this lane lucky me" as I go full speed down the Silver line Bus lane headed straight for an oncoming silver line bus. I guess that's why nobody was using that lane. I swerve, run over several orange cones and finally start driving vaguely where I am supposed to be. I swerve into the parking lot and parh diagonally in a way that takes up two parking spaces. Not just a little bit. Like a lot. The way Noah would scribble a lot on lined paper instead of writing a sentence.
I couldn't even fix it. I just ran in, bought my damn mai jiu and ran back out and drove somehow back the couple of easily walkable blocks to the Tai Tung Parking lot, where I spent where more time trying to park properly than it would have taken me to walk the whole trip and carry this wine back.
I also had the tendency to beep the horn... not out of impatience or anger, but by accident.
Once while running a red light at the pace of a snail and almost slowly running over a female college student, I beeped the horn as I hit the breaks.
The cop standing right there started chewing me out.
"You were the one that ran the red light! you were the one that is in a crosswalk! You.."
I didn't get defensive or mad, because unbeknownst to him I was not being an asshole, just an idiot. I had my glasses on so that I could make out the street signs and was wearing a collared shirt that would say "mainlander" on a chinese person but on me probably said "preppy."
"Sorry." I said. And he let me go. I don't even think I made to where I was going. I ended up driving back to Tai Tung, parking, and taking the subway.
Obviously at some point I should learn to drive again so that I can taxi my kids around to various places by automobile instead of by stroller. But for now, for the sake of their young lives and the lives of the people on the road sidewalk or anywhere near me, I stay away from the wheel.
So there is my confession for the day.
Embarrassing but true.