Tempers, anger and cleaning

On Tuesday I got five teeth pulled. Most of them were easy but one was a horizontally impacted wisdom tooth. Thank God the resident who pulled or drilled out my other one was not there that day and the Professor, a true master of his craft decided to just do it himself because the resident who was going to do it was just finishing up on someone else and anyway, I was lucky. The students did a good job with the easy ones, but I definitely noticed as difference between skill levels. Anyway I  am in nowhere near as much pain as my one tooth last time has caused me.

However, I was annoyed that my kids wouldn't give me a break because my gums are still stitched up. I had to take Noah to a doctor;s appointment on Wednesday, an I guess it was a rough time for him too, but I just didn't feel like having to drag him everywhere. Just walk, Just listen.
Actually I had dropped my wallet and he picked it up so I guess he did good on that. We would have been screwed. So Good job Noah.

Then I asked if Grace could pick up Noah, so that I could rest. It turns out that ended up being an ordeal for her so I guess that was a mistake. I had cooked dinner, but Grace cooked again, and then I started commenting about the house, how I couldn't find one of the library books I needed to return, how I would prefer if we didn't pay people to clean our house because I feel that  though it looks cleaner, I have to undo what they did to clean because I have to sort everything, and in the end we are slowly losing everything, talking more to myself really...... and anyway, Grace didn't want to hear my crap and says it's all because I can't clean the damn house and then at some point she lost it claiming I had been yelling at her all night. Perhaps I was complaining and bitching. Anyway, her losing it made me lose it. By now I was just trying to go to sleep to rest, which was my intention for a while but now we were in a real argument. She was yelling. and then at some point I was yelling too despite the pull on my gums. Indeed all day I had been pretty cautious about raising my voice. Not out of politeness or niceness, but because I felt the pain in my stitches when I did have to raise my voice to tell my kids to "Stop!" As Noah tried to make a break for it several times at the Doctor's office while I was trying to control Jonah, who may have been less in control, but it is understandable because he is two. Anyway, I said she was messy before she even knew me. She said I fill the house with garbage while ripping one of my paintings off the wall. I ripped it up even further because fine, if throwing away all my stuff will help the situation fine. But I had lost it now, and going upstairs I bumped my knee on the child safety gate. The kind that is not supposed to be placed at the top of stairs that is at the top of our stairs. The one I had removed earlier, calmly, months ago, only to be yelled and and screamed back into submission and into putting it back because she wanted it there. It kept Hulk from coming upstairs in the children's minds.


It came off without any screwing, but small pieces flew out in the process. I should have felt the stitches pulling on my gums but actually for the first time since the novocaine wore off, my mouth didn't hurt at all. Noah was worried though and told me to stop doing that and to start reading him a story. So I did, while Grace continued to yell downstairs about how the house wasn't mine so why don't I just learn to shut my damn mouth. I read Noah's story and he fell asleep. And surprisingly I felt better. Though of course this fight is far from over. I got yelled at some more in the morning. But what I potted while I lay there at night, was to put my energy into something productive. I Will Clean the House. And I'll damn well clean it in my system.

The problem wand difficulty I have with cleaning is the sorting. Because I will do something or move something and then, because it is not my house, because they are not my clothes, because of the dishes are not mine, I will be yelled at because they are not in their "usual" place, as if there actually is a usual place. And so bit by bit, non essential items are going to leave, things are going to be sorted, and my goal is to clean the house so damned much that will become my house. That will have some power over where things are and where I put them even if the power is only an illusion. But it will be a orderly illusion.